Everyday Machine: December 2010

O love such a simple yet complicated aspect of our lives that seems to be almost unreachable for me. From the very moments when I first started liking a girl, I can never seem to get a girlfriend over even yet find true love (if such a thing exists). I'm almost eighteen and yet I've never kissed a girl, been on a date, and other such romantic things. The closest thing I've ever come to some kind of love, infatuation if you will, is dancing with a girl I never knew at a friend's house, but she disappeared and I never heard from her again. But pretty much all numerous times I tried to find love has ended in disappointments, depression, drama, and/or sadness.

So here I am now writing an article about love because well I have no idea why I just want to get my thoughts on something without having to kill trees for the sake of my love problems. Being single and bored I've begun some lists in my head of what sucks to be single and what is awesome to be single.

Good Things:
-I have more money for myself
-I have time for my friends
-Video Games all to myself
-Always free to do whatever
-Focus on work/school
-Eat wherever and whenever
-Hoping for that time it will be your turn

Bad Things:
-Not having a girlfriend (no shit)
-Being "alone" (I'll go into detail on this one)
-Feeling left out of love
-Not able to ever make it to first, second, or third base let alone a home run
-Being jealous and envious of other couples
-Not being able to spend those memorable moments with a person you love
-Never being able to watch romantic movies (and even crying at some if you're a softie like me I swear I cried watching Wall-E cuz hell I was cheering on a robot that could get what I can't)
-Wondering when it will be your turn

That's just a small list of some of the things I thought up. Funny the good things are just mostly about me and that can only take me so far haha.

Some people like being single I don't see anything wrong in that. Other people like me don't. I dunno I think it's just as a kid watching movies, especially Disney ones that love was easier to get. All you gotta do is save the girl from a dragon or somehow charm her in that way and your pretty much married. But I learned it isn't that simple. There's a billion things in movies, cartoons, books, etc. that I wished I had. I wish I had that cute childhood friend that I would fall in love with in the end. I wish I was charming. I wish I had superpowers. But I have none of those traits. I'm overlooked. I'm nothing interesting. I'm nerdy. I horrible at conversations. I'm shy. I always seem to mess stuff up. Hell just to add to this list I barely have any self esteem.

Do I think I am a failure at love, I don't think so. I can grant myself that. But still I hate this feeling of having such great friends but feeling so alone at the same time. I hate that feeling when I'm somewhere with a bunch of friends and I wish there's was just some girl here to share it with me. When I'm watching a movie at the theaters, I wish I had a girlfriend to hug when she was afraid or hold her hand through the whole thing. Whenever I'm out camping I wish I had someone to lie with as we look up at the night sky or see the beautiful scenery before us. During holidays I wish I had a girl to celebrate it with. I wish I had a girl who I can look into her eyes as she would look into mine. One I could smile and laugh with. A girl who would accept me for my shortcomings as I would hers. A girl who I can embrace and kiss I don't need sex to be happy in my relationships. I want to find the closest thing to true love with a girl. I want to marry and I want to die alongside with her together. I just also hate that feeling of being envious of couples. I'm always jealous looking at couples because they got, or at some part of, what I've been wanting for a very long time and then thinking when it will be my turn when I find that someone.

My biggest thing though is during the holidays. They're always nice and everyone's happy but I'm always missing that feeling of celebrating it with a girlfriend. And that's the depressing part for me during the holidays. Valentine's Day especially. I never got valentine's gifts from girls during high school because well I was nothing special and never asked for any myself. But seeing friends that got a bunch from girls that thought of them just makes me feel a crappy and sad inside that barely people ever think of me, but I don't blame them. It happens.

Yet my biggest fear is that I will never find someone. I'll never experience any of that. That I will just grow old and die somewhere alone and lonely.

But that's just a fear I'll have to get over because right now all I have is hope and that's the best thing I can have so far. I'll just have to be patient as well and again hope for the best. My goal though is to at least have a girlfriend before I go off to college and I don't know if you actually should call it trying in a sense because to me that feels like I'm going more for a goal than an actual relationship, but I am doing my best.

To conclude yes I am happy who and where I am now. I have a loving, supporting family, great friends I can count on. And I know I shouldn't complain as much because there's someone always worse off than me, but I can't help but complain it's human nature. To have a girlfriend would be the best thing ever for me right now. All I have to do is get out there and be more social and to keep hoping. Maybe one day I'll find her my one true love.